he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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