Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
