I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
