i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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