i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
