So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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