I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're like the curious george of whores
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
