I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
