The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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