i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
