We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
