so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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