How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
