I got chris browned last night
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
