It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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