I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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