I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
