i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize