i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
