my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
