You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
