I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
