Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
