Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
