Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize