I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
