my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
