On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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