I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
