I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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