This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
