loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
