the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
