I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
