im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
