So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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