i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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