Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
