I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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