Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize