just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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