my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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