girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
