Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
