They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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