so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
