can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
