Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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