he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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