Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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