So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
