If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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