i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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