A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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