It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
