he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
