M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
