I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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