You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize