he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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